Wish it was me
by Miss.Young
Summary: Merlin is attending university together with his best friend Arthur, who he's known since he was fourteen. However, Merlin has started to develop feelings for his best friend, but Arthur has a girlfriend. And now Arthur has set him up on a date. I've also uploaded it on ao3.
1. Chapter 1

Merlin slowly opened his eyes and he slammed his hand on the alarm clock. The beeping sound stopped abruptly. Merlin groaned when he looked at his alarm clock. 6:30 AM. He pushed his covers of him and sat up straight in his bed. His swung his legs over the side of the bed. He hissed when his feet touched the cold floor. He sighed. He didn't want to go to school today. Normally he wouldn't mind so much, but today was different. He didn't exactly know why, but he could feel it. And usually his feelings were right, so he wasn't going to start doubting them now. He slowly stood up and walked around his room searching for something to wear.

Ten minutes later he walked down the stairs fully dressed. He greeted his mom, Hunith, with a kiss on her cheek.

'Morning mom.' he said.

'Morning Merlin.'

Merlin sat down at the kitchen table and grabbed a slice of bread. He rubbed his eyes.

'Are you tired?' Hunith asked.

'No, I'm fine. It's just early and I'm not that exited for school.'

His mother gave him a knowing look. Ever since Merlin was little he was able to feel it if something out of the ordinary was going to happen. It didn't necessarily need to be something bad, or big for that matter. Just anything that was going to have an impact on him. He had felt it the day his father died in a car crash, that was the first time. He's never told anyone except for his mother. He's never even told Arthur, his best friend since he was just fourteen years old.

'Is it bad?' was the only thing Hunith said. Her voice was soft, but he could hear the concern in her voice.

'No.' Merlin said softly. 'Almost nothing, compared to dad at least.'

He saw his mother turn her head away. She always did that when they talked about his father. Not because she didn't want to talk about it, but it was too much. He was the love of her life and even though it's been over ten years, it was still hard on her. But she kept herself together for Merlin's sake. She was doing a great job raising Merlin and he made sure to let her know that.

The rest of breakfast was spend in silence and at 7:30 AM Merlin walked out the door, grabbed his bicycle and went to school. It was five miles from his house to the university. He lived outside of the city and since he couldn't afford a car or the bus he cycled to school every day. He didn't mind, he liked it. It was nice to get some exercise before school and he was used to it by now.

A small thirty minutes later he arrived at the gates of the university. He went to Avalon University where he studied literature. It was a lot of work, especially with his part-time job at the bookstore in town, but he managed. And he couldn't give up his job, because he had to help pay for his tuition. Not that he wanted to, he loved working there.

He rushed inside when he saw that his class would start in two minutes. He had classic literature. This semester they were going to work on Shakespeare. That was the main reason he was excited for this class or at least that was what he had told himself. If he was going to be completely honest he'd say that he was looking forward to it, because he had this class with Arthur, his best friend, who he just so happened to be in love with. For three years now, and it was quite pathetic since he had a girlfriend. Guinevere, Gwen for short. Of course that wasn't the worst part. No to worst part was that Gwen was also one of his best friends so he had to look at them together all the time. It hurt, mostly because his heart couldn't stop resenting her even though she's a good friend, but he didn't show it. No one knew about it, although Merlin suspected that his mother knew. Thankfully she didn't try to make him talk about it.

He made it in time for his class and he sat down next to Arthur.

'Cutting in close this time?' Arthur said to him with a grin on his face.

Merlin was barely able to hide the smile that would show how happy his was to see his friend. Without Gwen. He was very grateful for that, because now he was able to be around Arthur without having to see him with his girlfriend. It was a shame that in all the other classes either Gwen was there or Arthur wasn't, so all he really had was a few hours a week.

'Just making sure I don't have to spend more time with you than needed.' Merlin retaliated.

Arthur pretended as if he was hurt by the insult. 'How dare you speak to me like that.'

'Prat.'

'Idiot.'

'Clotpole.'

'What the hell is a clotpole?' Arthur said a little too loud.

'Pendragon.' Professor Gaius, who had just started class, said; 'Is there something you want to share?'

'No sir.' Arthur answered.

'Then shut your mouth and pay attention.'

Arthur grumbled something that Merlin couldn't hear clearly and slumped in his seat. Merlin grabbed his notebook with the intention to take notes, but instead he started doodling. Every now and then he would dare to sneak a glance at Arthur. He was watching Gaius with great interest. Merlin admired that about his friend. He looked beautiful when he thought that no one was looking. Merlin could see the strained look he had on his face whenever someone was watching him. Merlin knew why that was. He knew that Arthur always felt like he had to prove himself. Prove himself a worthy son to his father, a good friend and to even proof himself to Gwen. Merlin wanted nothing more than to be able to help his friend , but he knew that his friend wouldn't accept it. So he tried to help him in the only way that he could, be there whenever Arthur needed him. He was there when Uther had been unreasonable, he had been there when Gwen broke up with him (that unfortunately only lasted a week before they got back together), and the worst of all, he was there whenever he wanted to talk about Gwen. How amazing, beautiful and smart she was.

Merlin sighed and from the corner of his eye he could see that Arthur glanced his way. Merlin looked back and Arthur slid a note towards him. It read;

'Are you okay?'

Merlin smiled at him and nodded. It was enough to convince Arthur. And he was fine. As long as he didn't think too much about Gwen, because it was painful and made him feel guilty.

After class Arthur walked with him to the cafeteria.

'You were spacing out, you know. Are you tired or something?' he asked.

'It's nothing really.' Merlin muttered.

Arthur sighed. 'There's obviously something up, but you're not talking so I'm not asking.'

'Thanks.'

'Anyway, I have some great news for you!'

Merlin looked at Arthur. He felt that this wasn't going to be good. Merlin cursed in silence. So this was probably his feeling this morning. Whenever Arthur had great news that involved Merlin it was a small disaster.

'I got you a date.'

'YOU DID WHAT?' Merlin yelled in surprise.

'Dude. Not everybody has to know. Let's sit down so I can explain.'

Merlin reluctantly sat down opposite of his friend. 'You got me a date?' he hissed quietly.

'Don't panic. It's a good friend of mine, Lancelot, but just call him Lance. He's a great guy. I met him at work and he's a nice and easy-going type of guy. I think you'll get along.'

Arthur smirked. It was obvious he felt really good about himself.

'You remember what happened with Vivian right?'

Arthur huffed. 'You told me you were bi, not gay. How am I supposed to know I shouldn't set you up with a girl then?'

Merlin narrowed his eyes. 'I wasn't talking about that part.'

'Then what are you talking about?'

'I don't know. Maybe the fact that she was only talking about you and in the end she asked me if I could set you two up on a date? You know, that part.'

Arthur looked away. 'This time it's different. Lancelot is bi and he keeps asking about you so I took the liberty.'

'I don't know. I mean I don't know the guy and I'm not sure if I'm up for dating.'

'Please, do it for me then. And it's been ages since you went on a date.'

Merlin frowned. He didn't really want to go on a date, because he didn't think that they would even compare to Arthur. However, it may help him to move on from his crush. Nothing is going to happen between him and Arthur anyway, so he could at least try.

'I'll do it, but you have got to buy me coffee.'

Arthur smiled. 'Black and one sugar right?'

And that was how Merlin got himself a date with Lancelot.


	2. Three conversations

'He arranged a date for me! For the love of God, stop laughing.' Merlin exclaimed glaring at his friend Gwaine, who was crying from laughter. They were sitting on a couch in the local bar. Gwaine had said that he and Merlin had hung out far too little so he dragged him out without listening to Merlin's protests.

'No Merlin, this is too good. Please remind me to thank Arthur. Honestly this makes my day.'

'It's not that funny.' Merlin grumbled.

'C'mon Merlin. Even you have to admit it's even a little bit funny. And really, why're you so against it anyway? It's just a date.'

'I don't even know the guy.' Merlin answered.

'You're never going to find someone if you're not open to meeting new people.'

Merlin stood up and started pacing through the room. He was silent for a while, only walking around and occasionally standing close to window and looking outside. He was deliberately not looking at Gwaine. Gwaine on the other hand silently watched his friend and waited for him to say something.

Merlin sighed and finally turned to the other man in the room. 'I don't want to meet anyone new.'

'Because you already have someone who has caught your eye.'

Merlin froze. He stood completely still, looking at Gwaine with wide eyes. Gwaine stood up from the couch he was sitting on and walked to where Merlin was standing. He laid his hand on Merlin's shoulder.

'Merlin. I know and it's okay. There's nothing wrong with you liking Arthur. It just sucks that he's dating Gwen.'

'How did you know?' Gwaine could hear Merlin's voice breaking.

Gwaine smiled reassuringly. 'Mate I see how you look at Arthur. I know that look. I've looked at someone like that too, so I guess that's how I noticed.'

Merlin sat back down and Gwaine followed his example. 'You didn't think I could be so sensitive, did you?' Gwaine asked trying to lighten the mood.

Merlin let out a strained laugh. 'I had no idea.' He looked down at his feet. 'What am I going to do?'

'That's not up to me to tell you, but I think a date with Lancelot could be something good for both of you.'

'Both of us?'

'Yes. As in good for you and good for him. I think you'll find that you're not very different at all. Or at least, it could be.'

'If you say so.' Merlin mumbled. 'No wait.' added after realizing what he said. 'If you say it, it's probably bad. And you're mostly just really amused.'

Gwaine laughed at patted Merlin on his back. Merlin managed to genuinely grin to his friend. 'You got me man.' Gwaine said. 'You know me too well.'

When Merlin got home he immediately went to his room without even saying hi to his mom. He fell on his bed and buried his head in his pillow. He let the tears that he'd been holding back so long come out. He screamed in his pillow just as his mother walked in.

'Merlin honey, what's wrong?' She sat down on the edge of his bed and stroked his hair. Merlin refused to look up when his mother urged him to look at her. He didn't want her to see him crying even though she already knew.

'It's nothing.' Merlin said with a strained voice that revealed his pain.

'Merlin I can't leave you here when I know you're crying.'

Merlin still didn't say anything.

'I'm not leaving honey, not until you tell me what's wrong.'

For a few minutes it was silent in the room. The only sound that was heard were Merlin's quiet sobs. Hunith kept her word and didn't leave Merlin's side just softly stroking his hair. Merlin didn't want to speak, scared that his voice would break. He couldn't stand being vulnerable, letting other people see his pain. And after time it wasn't hard for him to fake a smile.

'Merlin.' Hunith whispered.

Merlin's breath got stuck in his throat. He sat up and wiped his tears.

'Tell me Merlin.'

'It's- It's Arthur.'

'Oh honey. Come here.' She stretched her arms and wrapped them around his body. Merlin could feel the tears coming back again and he didn't try to hold them back this time.

Hunith held him while he cried and didn't ask any questions. After a while Merlin was calm enough to tell her. He told her everything, about falling in love with Arthur, Gwen and at last the date. His mother never interrupted him and just let him speak. When he finished she kissed him on his forehead.

'You'll be alright Merlin. I've never met someone as strong as you. You can get through this.'

'I know. It's just hard.' Merlin yawned, tired from crying.

'Go to sleep, love. It'll do you good to get an early night.'

Merlin mumbled an answer and pulled his blanket over his head. He didn't even bother to change into his pyjamas. It didn't take long before he fell asleep. He didn't sleep peacefully. In middle of the night he woke up. He glanced at his alarm clock. 1 am. His phone was next to the alarm and Merlin saw he had a text. He grabbed his phone and checked to see who it was from. His eyes closed automatically from the brightness of the light. When his eyes were used to the light he saw that Arthur had texted him.

_You free Saturday? Lancelot's free then so you can meet up. _It read.

Merlin closed his phone, not bothering to write a reply. Saturday it was then. Reality once again came back crushing down on him, but Merlin decided to just ignore it for now and went back to sleep.

The next day Merlin met up with Arthur and Gwen after classes. They went out for coffee. Merlin tried to avoid the subject, but it didn't take long for Arthur to ask Merlin about his date.

'Merlin I texted you last night. Did you get it.'

'Yeah I got it. Saturday is fine.'

'Are you alright Merlin? You don't sound so good.' Gwen asked. She'd always been better at reading the atmosphere that her boyfriend. Boyfriend. Merlin hated to think about that, but he pushed the thought to the back of his mind.

Merlin stirred his coffee. He didn't answer Gwen, which probably made her feel more worried, but at this point he just didn't care anymore and he wanted to go home. Or maybe go over to Will's place.

'Merlin's fine, love.' Merlin flinched at the endearment, but neither noticed. 'Probably just nervous for his date.'

Arthur punched Merlin's shoulder. It was probably meant as soft, but Arthur had a tendency to forget that Merlin wasn't really that strong so it was harder than was good. As a result Merlin knocked over his mug of coffee and it dripped on his trousers.

'Arthur!' Both Merlin and Gwen shouted.

'I'm sorry!' Arthur said. 'You should go to the gym to bulk up. Then this wouldn't happen.'

Gwen glared at Arthur. 'There is nothing wrong with Merlin. You just need to remember he's not a bodybuilder.'

Merlin wiped the coffee of his trousers. It left quite a big stain and it really didn't feel nice. He knew that it wouldn't take a lot of time before it would get sticky.

'I'm really sorry Merlin.'

'Does that mean that you'll buy me another coffee?' Merlin said with a smirk knowing that he wouldn't refuse, not with Gwen there.

'Black with one sugar right?'

'How'd you know?'

Arthur smiled at him. 'Of course I know. You're my best friend.'

Merlin looked down hoping to hide his blush that he could feel creeping on his face. He didn't want Gwen to notice.

'Merlin?' Gwen said softly.

'Hmm, what?'

'I need to talk with you about something. Do you want to meet up tomorrow after class? Just the two of us.'

Merlin frowned. 'What do you want to talk about?'

'Arthur.'

She knew. She knew it. How could she know? Merlin's hands started to tremble uncontrollably. He looked over at Arthur who was waiting in line. Arthur looked over to him and sighed dramatically. Normally Merlin would've laughed, but he couldn't. He looked at Arthur and the only thing he saw was a friendship that would soon fade. He knew Gwen wouldn't deliberately try to break their friendship, but she'd tell Arthur. He'd be disgusted. He didn't care he was gay, but if he found out Merlin was in love with him.

Gwen noticed the trembling of his hands and she took them in her own.

'Don't worry. I won't tell him.'

Merlin watched her with his eyes wide open. He couldn't say anything. He wanted to, so bad. He wanted to thank her for being an amazing friend, but he couldn't. He just held onto her hands as long as he could.


	3. Shock

'Merlin I am so sorry.' Gwen said when she sat down in front of Merlin. They were in the same coffee shop as the day before. Despite Gwen's reassurance the previous day he'd still been a bit nervous to talk to her. He had tried to avoid Gwen during the day. He wasn't really sure why he did it, but at the time it felt like a good idea. However, now he couldn't avoid her anymore and he looked her in the eye, confused.

'I'm sorry? What? Why are _you_ apologizing?' Merlin said when she sat down. She looked at him for a while with a sad look on her face. She stayed silent for a while. Merlin just looked at her his hands balled as fists underneath the table where Gwen couldn't see. Gwen let out a strained sound before she spoke.

'I feel like I need to apologize, because I took Arthur from you.'

'He was never mine to begin with.' Merlin answered.

'Still. You were his friend before I even knew you guys. I do feel guilty for hurting you even though I didn't know until recently.'

Merlin shook his head and he took Gwen's hands, repeating her gesture from the day before. 'I don't blame you.' he said. 'I have to admit I tried, but I couldn't. You didn't know. I want you to be happy and I want Arthur to be happy. It hurts. God, it hurts so much, but you won't change anything. I want you to forget about my feelings for him.'

'I can't Merlin. You can't ask me to disregard your feelings.'

'You don't have a choice, do you?' Merlin knew that he sounded demanding, but he felt like he had to. He needed Gwen to understand that she couldn't put her relationship on the line. As much as it hurt him, he couldn't bear to see Arthur or Gwen hurt. Especially not because of him. He had thought about it a lot the night before. He already knew what he needed to say, but a small part of his brain told him that this was the opportunity to shove Gwen aside. He'd been scared of that part, he didn't know it was there. Or maybe he did, but he always refused to acknowledge it. He didn't want to know about the dirty part of him, the wretched part. Now he could hear it whisper in his ear, saying things like, _'this is your chance'_ or _'you want Arthur, the only way you're gonna get him is of you dump her'._

It hadn't stopped since the previous night, no matter how hard he tried, the voices kept talking. And the worst part of it all, he knew that what they were saying had at least a part of truth in them. He knew that, but he couldn't act upon it, because he didn't believe he even had a chance with Arthur and also because he couldn't lose Gwen.

'Why is it you that has to suffer Merlin? You don't deserve it.' Merlin could see Gwen meant it and he knew she did.

'You know, I've had these feelings for a long time now so I'm used to the suffering as you say it.' He smiled reassuringly, but he wasn't able to make the corners of Gwen's mouth curl upwards.

'How long have you felt this way?' she asked.

He knew that this question would come up. He knew he had to answer, it's the least that he owed her. Even if he knew that she wouldn't take it well. She'd feel guilty, maybe even more than she already did. But he couldn't bear to lie to her. She didn't deserve that.

'Three years now.' he mumbled softly, but he knew she heard it. Her eyes grew wide with shock.

'I feel like a horrible person now.' Gwen says, grabbing Merlin's hands tighter than he thought she could. She hurt him, but he didn't say anything. He just listened.

'I want to say I should have noticed, but I know that I couldn't possibly have noticed. 'Cause you didn't want me to know. Not that I didn't notice anything, it just took me a long time to piece it all together. I mean, I always figured you had a special place in your heart for Arthur. He was there when you were having a hard time with your father's death, and you were there for him when he chose for himself instead of what his father wanted him to become. I didn't know until Arthur set you up with Lancelot that you are in love with him.'

'Was I that obvious?' Merlin asked, half a smile evident on his face.

Merlin's smile seemed to put Gwen at ease. Her hands released her grip, for which Merlin was very grateful.

'Well, not really that obvious. I had suspicions, so that's really why I noticed. When I saw how you reacted it just all fell into place.'

'To be honest, I'm glad it was you who found out. Well, Gwaine figured it out too, so thinking about it, it wasn't that secret as I thought.'

Gwen gaped at him. 'Seriously? Gwaine knew before me? What happened to female intuition? This is bad.'

Merlin laughed out loud, for the first time in a long while, and really, it felt honest and really, really good.

'Will what should I wear?' Merlin looked around his room. There were more clothes lying on his bed or on the floor than in his closet. Will was sitting in the middle of Merlin's bed surrounded by pants and shirts. He was playing a game on his phone, but he looked up, seeming disinterested.

'Wear those trousers, makes your arse look great.' he said before returning to his phone.

Merlin looked at Will suspiciously. 'Aren't you straight?'

'Sure. Doesn't mean I can't see what's right in front of me though.'

'Twat.'

'If you're gonna to be nasty I'm leaving.'

'You're not helping anyway.' Merlin said throwing a shirt to his friend.

'Dude! Now I'm dead! I almost finished the level.' Will threw his phone away and jumped to Merlin who stepped aside. However, his foot got stuck behind a book and he fell over, face down on the floor.

'Auch…'

Will was laughing very loudly. He fell on the floor next to Merlin. When he stopped laughing he said;

'You know, I miss this. We don't see each other often enough. We used to see each other every day.'

'That's when we were going to the same school. Now you're working and I'm going to university.'

'Still…'

'You know what? You can go with me on my date. You can spend more time with me and It's not going to be a real date for me. Everyone's happy.'

Will sat up straight and looked and Merlin in a serious way. Merlin raised his eyebrow.

'Why are you so against the idea of going on a date?'

'I'm not that against it, it's just that I'm not really looking to date someone.'

Will sighed. 'Merlin, I've known you since forever. I can tell when you're lying, but you don't have to tell me.'

'Merlin walked over to his closet and grabbed a shirt from his shelve. He put it on and then took it off again. He threw it away and let himself fall on the bed.

'I have to tell you. You're my oldest friend. Just don't.. Freak out or anything.'

'I won't.' Will replied.

'Not even if I told you I was in love with Arthur?'

'That's another story. I'd go ballistic probably. Now what's the deal?'

Merlin stayed silent and looked at Will with his eyes revealing how scared he was. After a while Will's mouth started to open and close without words coming out.

'I didn't break you, did I?' Merlin said with a weak voice.

'You're kidding.'

'I wish I was.'

'You fancy Arthur? That prat?'

Merlin was starting to get annoyed with his friend. 'He's not a prat. You don't know him like I do.'

'Well explain it to me!'

Merlin stood up and faced Will. 'You want me to explain it to you? You want me to tell you why I'm in love with him? I'll tell you. He's always there for me. I know that he can be a prat sometimes and that he's got an arrogant side, but he's got his heart in the right place. When I'm having a hard time, no matter how insignificant it may be, he notices. He sees it when I'm sad or upset and he's the one who takes me to get a cup of hot chocolate, because he knows that'll cheer me up. It's all those little things that make me love him. I don't care whether you like him or not. I'm in love with Arthur and-,'

'Merlin..' Will interrupted.

'No! You don't get to interrupt me.'

'I think you're gonna want to be interrupted mate.'

'Merlin frowned. 'I don't get it?'

'Turn around.' And he did. He turned around and almost fainted. In the doorway stood Arthur with a shocked expression on his face.

'Hi.' Was the only thing he managed to say before Merlin ran past him, down the stairs and outside.


End file.
